Wednesday before Thanksgiving and the streets is dead, I’m talking straight ghost town. It’ nearing last call so Roosh and I decide to hit up the U street Jamaican joint known as Patty Boom Boom. Sometimes I crave that place when I need to get my rude boy on and pond de river. We give pound to the doorman enter and head up stairs. The base hits your chest as soon as you step in. We get our drink and our two step and just survey the dance floor. Things look normal that is till I see a little white couple come in that look out of place, not because they were white mind you, but no “that” type of “couple” that would be at Boom Boom. Particularly the dude wearing the SWPL California winter uniform of a baseball cap and a North Face fleece jacket. They mind their own business and begin dancing with each other.

I look away and when I look back some random Waka Flocka looking dude is dancing on the girl while the North Face is bobbing along like an idiot on the side of them. He has this weird, cheese grin on his face like he’s having a good time but at the same time looks like he doesn’t know what the fuck is going on here but is trying to go with the flow of things and not look pissed. Meanwhile his date is bending over to the front and touching her toes in an attempt to make United Color of Benetton babies. I look at Roosh while pointing at the scene and say, “check out this dumb fuck” . He nods back responding, “that’s a shame”. For some unknown reason this display of complete Beta makes my blood rise beyond control. Finally the awkward threesome got close to us. I tapped North Face on the shoulder, startled he looked back at my disgusted face, I said, VK: Excuse me cous, is that your date? NF: (meekly) um, were together, but we’re not on a date. VK: ok, so she’s with you right… well between me and you, as a man… there’s is no fucking way I would let that shit happen with my girl. (Looking at his girl who at this point had one leg up on Waka Flocka’s shoulder and was screeming “Weeeeeee!” at the same time)

It was as if my verbal bitch slap awakened something primal in North Face. He looked at me like, “Gosh darn it buddy, you’re absolutely right” (white person voice). He went over to his chick and Waka (this time she was dropping it low screaming “look mah no hands” ) and said something serious to her that I couldn’t here. Whatever it was it worked. She stopped dancing like she was trying to make rent and walked with him towards the bar, he passed giving me the, “thanks man” head nod. Poor bastard but we’ve all been there. It’s not a date. You’re out with your boys and you meet a girl at the first bar. You start flirting, buy her a couple of drinks and seem to hit it off. More drinking goes on and you actually think that she’s going to let you beat it up. Your boys want to leave and go to another bar as planned but this new bird suggest you go to this “other” bar, real quick, she has some other friends she has to meet up with but she really REALLY wants you to come. She gives you those baby girl eyes that leads you to believe that if you do go with her to this other place your night will actually end with your penis in something other than your couch cushion or your hand while there’s bag over head and belt fastened around your neck with a spoon full of peanut butter is in between your butt cheeks while your dog…. well you get the idea.

So you and your boner go. But when you get there one of three things happen. She meets up with her friends and you’re the horny dude from the first bar who now looks like a stalker. No friends but she spends most of the time flirting with other dudes and you really cant say nothing because you just met her and you have a boner. Worst thing that could happen she meets up with another guy, who’s just a “friend” that happened to french kiss her helllo and weirdly this doesn’t phase your boner. Avoid this situation at all cost. If you game a girl right and there really is a chance of you beating it up that night then invite her to come with you and your boys to the next spot. If it’s on she’ll talk her friends into going or meeting her there. If she won’t come get the math and bounce leaving it on a high note. No matter what you do, don’t follow her to her next spot because as soon as you step out that bar with her, you’ve lost all your power. As we left Boom Boom that night I looked back and saw his girl talking up another guy at the bar and laughing while North Face again stood on the side attempting to contribute to a conversation that wanted nothing to do with him. He saw me and I just shook my head and walked out.